(introduction music)
(wind blowing)
(violin music)
(sexy female sounds)
(sudden noise outside)
Befit'?
Where are you?
(eery violin music)
(owl hooting)
(growling)
(girl sobbing, panting)
(loud bang)
(scream)
(growling, chomping)
(scream)
(roaring)
(girls screaming)
(song) ? pretty girl, wreckin' bar ra ra ra ra yeah you are
? growin' up, I'm twice the man yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah I am
? the angels gave F. Scott Fitzgerald the Evening News and Morning Herald
? I know I'm from very far but I found the bastard by the car
? 'where you been?' you can say hey, hey hey hey, yeah you may!
? that might seem a bit below? No no no, it's funny though
? let's go home I think we oughta I know you're your mother's daughter
? well brought up; royal blue I haven't got the time for you ?
(music fades)
Just a hunch.
I don't think they're coming.
- I really thought we had a chance. - They didn't speak English.
- That's what I mean. - Squeezer?
Well, if the girls aren't coming, does anyone wanna eat my sausage?
Linda, excuse me. I've hardly touched this. Can I get a refund? No?
Can I just get it battered to go then, please? (Laughing)
Never mind about that.
Party, tomorrow afternoon, yeah. The four mighty stud-muffins on their way.
Well, two mighty stud-muffins and two...
Nothings.
- Will we really pull at this party? - 100%. It will be a beaver safari.
- A beavery. - Even Spikey'll pull.
(rock music)
(dog howling)
Father Jordan. Going out tonight?
You didn't clean up reception again. We'll talk about it when you're dressed.
Think I can get away with this on a motorbike or is it a bit cheeky?
Can you see my... - Mum! Yes, you can.
Hey, get this. Fast Eddie hinted he might wanna tie the knot.
Great, I always wanted my third stepdad to be a roadie.
- You alone then? - Yes.
Again.
- May I make a suggestion? - Please don't.
If you wait for the perfect girl to walk into your life, you end up... waiting.
Thanks, Mum. Duly noted.
- Sometimes imperfect girls are more fun. (off screen)-Can't hear you.
(rock music becoming louder)
Are any of us actually invited to this party?
- We're not not invited. - Shh.
(whooping party sounds) Hear that?
It's the mating call of an entire subspecies.
Alright. Virgees, listen up.
Girls like a man who's confident, right? So when in doubt, what do you do?
Talk about yourself. Girls love that. Fact.
Follow me. I'm going to take you down to Pussy Town.
Have you got any idea how crude that sounds?
- Yeah. - Pussy Town.
(Party music)
See that one in the black bikini?
Spike, you're dribbling.
Watch and learn, Jamie. Watch and learn.
Butt naked, skinny dip.
Hello?
- I've been watching you. - Oh, really?
I don't mean to sound forward, but I suppose a shag's out of the question?
- Excuse me? - You know, belly to belly?
Back up the hard drive? The old hump-lick manoeuvre?
- You're really not big on small talk. - We can do small talk, if you like.
Or you can just dive right in and lube up your hog.
(door bell and knocking)
Oh, bugger.
- Your party? - No.
- Is that marijuana I can smell? - No.
Well, whoever's in charge of this assembly
I want you to tell them to turn that racket down.
Don't make me come back. Got it?
(rock music)
Look at it. Everyone else is pulling. What's wrong with us?
- It's all about pheromones. - Telephones?
Male sex hormones. Women can smell them apparently.
- Is this the way to the garden? - No, yeah, no idea.
- Pardon? - Nice tat. Sanskrit, right?
It says: Everlasting Peace.
The waiter at the Curry Inn told us it actually says, 'Kick my nut sack! '
- Kev. - Juliana.
I don't know if you know, but tonight is your lucky night.
It's my job to give the most attractive woman the time of her life.
Starting with the alcoholic beverage of her choice.
- What would you like, Sweetpea? - I'll have a Scotch Mist, please.
Coming right up.
- Is that a real drink? - Do you think I'd make it up?
Does he often use that chat-up technique?
Normally he asks girls if they wanna watch him lick his own eyebrow.
Course, I'd hate you to think all the boys at Rainmouth are just crass.
(loud burp) I've only pulled, Jamie. And she is well up for it.
She's probably worth at least a...
Minimum.
So, are you here on vacation then?
Going for a more formal approach now?
If you prefer something more moronic...
Am I on vacation? No, I'm actually working.
- I write travel articles for a blog. - Wow.
Wideblueyonder.com.
What you guys call gap year students.
No, over there it just means students work at Gap for a year, right?
(eery music)
You know, I have to call my parents.
I check in at the same time every couple of days.
- So I'm gonna step outside. - OK.
- Why don't you make us a drink. - OK. Yeah.
Perfect.
- I hope you don't think I'm easy. - No.
You mind if I put my hand down the front of your...
- Do you know what you're doing? - Yeah, why?
Your finger's in my belly button.
- Do you have any, you know, protection? - Got my crash helmet.
Oh, right.
- I'll go get them, shall I? - No, let's start a family, Gary.
(eery music)
Fiona?
(high pitched music)
Fiona? (sudden roar)
(munching sounds)
Hello again? Wanna suck on my lollies?
Let's whip out the old baps and trumpet.
I thought you and I were gonna...
Sex pest.
Hurry back. I'm all horned up.
Or I'll have to take care of it myself.
Again.
(rock music)
(voice-over) Juliana. It's Jamie.
I waited for you back there, but you never came back.
I would really love... like to see you again and get to know each other more.
(reception bell) Mum, could you get that?
(bell)
(violin music)
Aarikka.
Double A, double K.
Right, yeah. Room 9.
Nah! I prefer to carry it myself, thank you.
It's... top of the stairs, turn right.
Thank you.
(off screen) Come in.
Jamie?
Oh, my God. Are you the bell hop, or something?
No, my mum owns it and I just help out.
Until something else... till... something else-turns up.
I just got your e-mail. So sweet.
Yum! I'm ravenous.
I couldn't get a signal at the party, then my boss called.
She said: I need you to put this piece on the blog.
This is great. Because I wanted to ask you if you'd go out with me.
- Let's pretend that didn't happen. - Done.
I need someone to show me around. This afternoon?
This afternoon? Well, I...
(violin music)
- See you later then. Around two? - Awesome.
- It's rude to stare. - Can I give you some advice, lad.
Stay away from that girl.
Do you ever think about getting out of Rainmouth?
All the time.
Travelling is the one thing I wanna do most of all.
- What's stopping you? - It's a bit complicated.
- I have to look after my mum. - She can't look after herself?
The place tends to fall apart if I'm not there.
Right, so that's how you see your life, running a hotel with your mom?
- Kind of like in Psycho. - What? No!
(cheerful guitar music)
(Seagulls)
I'll have a pomegranate and kiwi.
It might say pomegranate and kiwi, but it doesn't mean they have it.
- What do they have then? - Usually just milk.
OK, I'll have a shake.
- You could say it's part of the charm. - You ever been in the States?
- You should. You should come over me. - Pardon?
You should come over and see me.
You know what was interesting at that party in an anthropological sense?
How different North American and British teenagers behave.
In the States teens are busy discovering who they are.
- While over here... - Vomiting and flashing genitals.
Exactly. Your friends are still at the window, aren't they?
(song) ? we'll make out in our cars
? oh, boy, you better watch out
? yeah, I know what you're talking about
? oh, yeah, you'll find a dance with me
? we can get down real low
? we can move oh so slow
? oh, yeah, find a dance with me
? she was sweet all night long underneath the stars J"
If a boy takes a girl he likes out in Rainmouth, where do they go?
- Probably McBunty. - And if they wanna be alone?
(sound of rain)
That's Barnham Woods and over there is Lookout Hill.
(soft thunder and rain sounds)
(police siren)
Want to answer a couple of questions?
- Just wondered if you'd seen these two. - That's Gary. Is he in trouble?
He's missing. He went to a party last night and didn't come home, so...
That's where I've seen you.
His scooter's still there, but he's just, well, disappeared.
- Were you at this party too? - Me? No.
Dilated pupils.
Either he's in love or on the pipe.
- Coat, trousers off. - You can't make him do that.
Waiting.
Underpants.
- You're not allowed to do that. - Please.
Guv? We've got to go pronto.
Two lC1s are taking a shower with a naked ICO in the car wash.
- Not again. - Yeah.
- I gotta make tracks. - Really?
- Which way are you going? - You're going back to the hotel, right?
I'm going the other way.
- That way is just the woods. - Yeah, got you. Thanks.
Oh, here he is. I thought you weren't coming out.
- I wasn't. - It's Friday night. Know what that means?
- Tomorrow's Saturday? - No, girlies' night out.
- Still early. - Whoa.
- I saw the top of her pants. - Oh, yeah?
Tramp stamping a whale's tail? Nice. Girls on holiday do anything.
- Like ice skating and stuff? - No, in bed.
Not that you two cherry boys would know, innit?
It's their first time away from home. Nothing's off limits. Indoors, outdoors.
- Backdoors. - Thank you.
And that little beauty is Rainmouth Pier's primo pulling apparatus.
You're basing this on...?
Once rotated your giddy girly is gonna have to grab onto something.
Or someone?
Have you ever thought about a sexual advice column?
Go on, Spikey boy.
Hello, girls.
Try and edge towards them. Go on.
My hand's stuck.
Get off me, Spike.
You're cramping my style.
Thanks a bunch.
Do you wanna hold my hand?
- Perfect. - Yeah, pie puke. Nasty.
(shrieks)
I'd love to work here. It's like a chick magnet.
I'm holding out for a slot on the bins. I've always wanted to ride a crusher.
- You've gotta love those perks. - What perks?
Glow bib.
What is it about those men that women find so irresistible?
- Girls love a bit of bump and grind. - Bump and grind.
I'm riding with you, Kev.
(hoots and shrieks)
I'm a nervous passenger. Back out slowly.
You do understand the idea of bumper cars?
Slow down.
- Ladies. - What's that smell?
I don't know.
Kev, are you really gonna work at the pie factory?
- Jamie, the pie factory's a babe pit. - Says who?
Pie folk.
There you go, a redhead. Red on her head, fire in bed.
If you don't chat up a girl in 30 seconds, do you stop breathing?
It's a natural urge, Jamie. The itch you have to scratch, right?
The itch happens after. I've seen the girls you've been with.
Listen up. New number one on my wish list, right.
Twins, right, and me with a strap-on worn back to whatsit, both at the same time.
I call it a sister seesaw.
Spike)'-
(whimpering)
(girl) We're gonna get you.
Mate, your hair stinks of puke.
(splashing of water)
(laughing)
Right. Check it, Bru.
A big lump at the back there, Spike.
Bruno, get down the offie and get some more beers, will you?
- Why should I go? - 'Cause you're our booze bitch.
As soon as you've dunked your doughnut, you can stop.
You wait till I'm on the bins. Then you'll see who the girls go for.
- Yeah, not you, you big virganus. - Yeah, Spike, like you're not one too.
Does your cyber cherry count?
Right, is it out yet?
- The good news is the sick is out. - But you're now covered in shit.
Juliana, it's Jamie.
- Where's Juliana? - Checked out.
What are you doing in her room?
Wanted an en suite bath.
Why are you dressed like a terrorist?
(violins)
I work with bees.
Bzz.
(voice-over) Juliana, I'm surprised you checked out.
I hope everything's alright. Let me know. Best wishes, Jamie.
Kind regards.
Yours sincerely.
J. And a kiss.
No kiss.
Smiley.
Yuk!
(pop music)
That vintage fashion shop you recommended, it's fabulous.
I bought the most beautiful satin corset.
So if you've any more ideas...
Well, I'll definitely bear you in mind... bear it in mind...
remember you in it... remember it.
(voice of Juliana) Sorry for my sudden departure.
My boss wanted me to check out some accommodations.
Kind of have to jump when she says, sucks, but that's the gig.
Here's my new address.
(eery music)
(violins)
(fast pop musk?)
(girl) Go on then.
You go. (laughs)
- What are they doing? - Dunno.
(crashing sounds)
Get up.
(knocking)
Let me in or I'll have you thrown out. I can do that. I'm management.
- Why were you at the cabin? - What cabin?
- I saw you. - Oh.
(eery violin music)
What is all this?
Who are you? Tip of the ice berg.
These are the ones we know about.
I've seen things. Things people don't care to believe.
Nothing new, mind. Been around for thousands of years.
King Ly... Ancient king of Greece.
He was the first recorded man to shed his form.
Disappeared on nights of the full moon.
That's Bruno's. What are you doing with this?
I found that in the woods next to the cabin.
- Wasn't a virgin, was he? - A virgin?
Well, they kill and eat a virgin on the night of the full moon.
They can smell 'em a mile off.
- You're one, aren't you? - What? Nothing to do with you.
Such enflamed tenderloin flesh is the sweetest meat of all.
Ever been followed by a bloke with a butterfly net?
Sumerian pentangle.
I painted one on the door to ward her off.
They're not scared of much, but they see that, they know we're on to them.
I've hunted werewolves all my adult life, son.
Not found one yet, but I'm working on it.
Now, you hear what I say, boy.
And you hear it good. Stay away from that girl!
It's her. (barking)
It's a dog.
Alright, Tiff? Been looking for your brother.
- Bruno. - Oh, him.
- Is he in? - No.
Nobody's heard from him for a week. I was worried.
What, is he your boyfriend? You two benders now, then, yeah?
- No. Just a concerned friend. - Oh.
- He went away. - Where?
I think it was Amsterdam. Or maybe Hampstead.
Or was it Hammersmith?
- Is there a place called Hampstersmith? - No.
- He's definitely gone away then? - I said that, didn't I?
- Right, if you... - Whatever.
- So who called it in? - One of the stallholders.
Said he heard someone screaming. Said it sounded like an animal in pain.
Prat. We all know what that was.
Mosh pit of rutting down here of a night.
Guv?
- Looks like a dog's bone. - Big dog. Look at the teeth marks.
- Get Forensics to take a look? - Chemists who think they're coppers?
It's standard procedure...
Standard procedure if you want to be laughed at.
This is how we took care of these sorts of things in the Met.
Dodged the bullet there, son.
- Where have you been? It's 6 o'clock. - I've been looking for Bruno.
- Why? What has he done? - We haven't heard from him for a week.
Do you know what's weird? I haven't missed him at all.
I think we should report it.
Remember, he was going on about working on the bins.
Perhaps that's where he's gone. Bin school.
Here, Jamie, told you. Pie factory's a babe cave, mate.
If you aren't helping me, I'll keep looking for him myself.
This one mine, then?
- Hello, lover. - Hi.
How about going somewhere more private?
- You got your own place? - Yeah.
Sort of. Spike.
Mate, you're a sure win.
- Yeah, not my type. - She'll do the nasty.
They're the only type worth having.
It's important to respect your partner.
- Those are double Ds, man. - Yeah, what's not to respect?
Anyway, I met someone. Juliana.
Oh, Juliana Banana.
- Nice. You boned it? - I'm not answering that.
Means no. Tell her she's in your wank bank.
- Girls love stuff like that. - She's well hot.
If you can get a bird like that to batter your sausage...
- You going out with her now, then? - Well, yeah. No. It's complicated.
Yeah, no, sort of. It's always complicated with you, innit?
She caught me staring at her naked through a window.
And she thinks I painted a phallic symbol on her cabin.
That's quite complicated.
- How much further is it? - No further. Here.
(rock music)
I wonder if there's a fruit they haven't made a pie out of.
Melon. I've never seen a melon pie before.
Be honest. I bet you never thought you'd end up with a stud like me.
No.
- I know what you're thinking. - I don't think you do.
You think you're gonna get me down on the beach and get my knickers off?
- That's not gonna happen. - Right.
Because I'm not wearing any.
Now you wanna look, don't you? Dirty bugger.
(police siren)
Drinking in a public place.
- I assume you're all over 18? - 18 what?
Behold the lippy one. Sounds like he's after a Section 12.
Are you offering?
People suffering from mental disorders in a public place.
In immediate need of care or control, subject to instantaneous apprehension.
With the use of force, if necessary.
Right.
Oy. You two. Stop.
You'd better take me somewhere really expensive next week.
Promise?
- Hi, Daddy. - Hello, Pumpkin.
- Where are you taking my daughter? - Nowhere.
Get in the car, Liss.
Quite the ladies' man.
What happened to the other one?
Got what you wanted and then dumped her?
- Now you're ready to take on another one? - It's not what you think.
You're a mind reader?
How do you know what I think?
If I find out you've laid so much as a finger on my little angel
I'll stick this right up your arse.
(pop music)
- You off the mark yet? - What?
Has your toad been holed?
I really don't see what me losing my virginity has to do with you.
Scusi.
Just make sure you do something about it before the next full moon.
(eery music)
(violins)
(voice on phone) Hi, it's Juliana. Leave a message.
It's Jamie. I'd really like to talk to you.
I think you might be angry with me because I was spying on you.
I can explain.
Please call me.
(Sexy reggae music)
? if this is what it is and if that's where we're about
? where we never put the rules
? and we never let it out
? it's soul killing
? that's what you need now it's what you need now, it's soul killing
? that's what you need now that's what you should need
? if you always have to wait
? well, in the morning we'll be gone
? is this what you really want
? you should never say never never ever come on
? if you never hold us down they can never hold us down
? if you're from a big city I am from a little town (fades) ?
(laughter)
Spike, what is that?
- What do you mean? - You know what I mean. What is that?
I can't help it. It's the feathers. They feel nice.
Giddy up, boys.
(phone buzzing)
YES.
(Seagulls)
You shouldn't have been looking through my window.
You should have come in.
Come on.
- Can I explain? - I don't know. Can you?
This is going to sound really out there.
But you know the weird guy at the hotel, the inbred one, washing-machine eyes?
Oh, God, don't laugh. He thinks he's a werewolf hunter.
What?
Yeah. And he was at the cabin graffitiing your door as well.
Yeah, I saw him.
- So you knew I wasn't... - I was messing with you.
Wait. A werewolf hunter? Seriously?
I suppose he thinks that you're a...
(electric guitar)
I didn't think I'd hear from you again, to be honest.
I thought that, well, that you thought I was a bit 'bleh'.
- Like what? - Like 'bleh'.
(electric guitar)
if you saw what happened, why didn't you return my calls?
Look, Jamie, I really enjoy being with you.
It's just that with my work, it's hard to have proper relationships.
What about an improper one?
Before this goes anywhere, you should know that it never goes anywhere.
And you'll be looking after your mom all the time, so...
And I'm always moving around.
I gotta go.
Why do you have to go?
- It's the job. It's kind of like 'bleh'. - When are you back?
Saturday.
Right, well, I'll meet you next Saturday then, at the pier. At five.
(rhythmic music)
- She'll be back. What's the problem? - She doesn't think it can work.
- Cocktease. They all say that. - He's right.
- Loads of girls have said that to me. - It's the equivalent of a lap dance.
She's rotating those nipple tassels right under your nose.
Stoking your boiler.
- No, I think it's a bit more... - (Both) Complicated.
You reckon she'll go bareback?
Can't you relate to a girl in a way that isn't just about sex?
If you're doing a raincoat, go flavoured.
Women respond well to a novelty contraceptive, Jamie. Fact.
They disappeared exactly one month apart. And now this.
Bruno Wallis. It was the only picture his sister could find, so...
I'm looking at the pattern. What does it tell us'?
It tells us school term ended.
Three kids decided there might be life outside of a town that makes square pies.
- We can't just ignore this. - In the Met we had three missings a day.
Ask me if we investigated them.
- Did you? - No.
Ask me why.
- Why? - Because then they became unmissing.
They got over their little hissy fit and came back from holiday.
Or sobered up.
You've got a lot to learn.
I tidied this up this morning.
Well? What have you got to say for yourself?
Bummer.
It's time you shaped up, Mum.
Safe.
I was just about to come and find you.
Wondered if you'd take a look at my shower head.
I'm not quite getting the pressure I need.
Really?
Jesus H. You're going out on the night of the full moon?
Are you insane? Or are you no longer 'virgo intacto?'
I think you're a dirty old man who gets off spying on young girls.
Don't tell me you're seeing her.
Can I be frank with you, boy? Speak with you man to man?
The hornier you are, the more delicious you are.
- I'm calling Social Services. - It's hormones, boy.
They can taste 'em. It's what she's doing.
Getting you worked up, ready to burst, and then...
Ouch, just bit my tongue.
You're in grave danger, boy.
(loud guitars)
Look, I know you think being together's difficult.
But you're the first person I can really be myself with and be honest with.
Well, honesty is the cornerstone of a good relationship.
And lots of hot sex.
(soft guitar music)
Jamie.
Jamie, I have...
(romantic music)
(electric guitars)
(moaning)
No, stop.
- Don't you like it? - No, I love it.
You really turn me on. It's just... There's...
There's something you're not telling me.
You're right. There is.
I'm not like ordinary girls.
- What's your game, bitch? - Let go!
What are you doing?
- We had a date. You promised. - What'?
That night when you wanted to poke your nose into my Bermuda Triangle.
- I didn't know you two... - She's mine, ho.
If you get your skanky mitts on him, I will bitch-slap you.
All the way back to Yanksville, cougan.
In Rainmouth, we don't intercourse with other women's fiancéses.
- You're engaged? - Believe it, arse face.
- Wait, I can explain. Juliana, please. - Save it.
Why have a burger when you can have your very own Bunty?
No more talk. Vagina time.
(eery music)
I've got such a wetty for you. Do me here, in the woods.
- Do me in that tent over there. - No.
Do you know what really turns me on? Doing it where we might get caught.
Bend me over one of the bins on the high street.
I can't.
- You're not a bum plumber, are you? - No.
- I can't do this. - Are you married?
- Yeah, I'm married. - Oh, I see.
If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's married men...
I'm married to my vocation.
You see, I'm training to be a priest. I've taken a vow of chastity.
That include oral?
It's the path I've chosen.
(night bird)
(eery music)
(FaCy music)
She isn't my fiancée.
I have more important things than worry about giddy boys.
Run along. Go back to your mommy and your little hotel.
I think I'm in love with you.
It's time for you to start thinking about not being in love with me.
- You wanted to tell me something. - Forget it. OK?
You're wearing the same clothes. Where did you go?
That is none of your goddamn business.
Get out. Now.
Now.
You know why she's not interested in you any more, don't you?
She saw you with that other girl.
The chesty one with the top-heavy lovelies.
She thinks you're no longer a virgin. You are still a...?
YES.
So, maps. You Say?
So you believe me now?
- You definitely think Juliana... - Three months ago I saw her.
In a village in Hungary. Porb... - P6rb6ly.
Péirbély, that's it. Which was on her blog.
That same night a young couple went missing after a school disco.
And now she's here. She's the beast, Jamie.
She has to be destroyed.
Think about it, Kev. Gary disappeared at the party.
Then Bruno. They were both on nights of the full moon.
To recap, this, what shall we call him, scholar, sage,
or simply cretin, in the B&B, reckons they've both been eaten by a werewolf.
Looking at all the evidence, it does stack up.
And this werewolf just so happens to be the girl you're in love with.
- Wow. What are the chances of that? - Well, this is the freaky part, right.
- It only attacks virgins. - So? What's the problem? You're safe.
But we need to tell Spike to stay indoors. There's a full moon tonight.
If you cut yourself, does sap run out?
Alright, Pumpernickel? Don't I know you from somewhere?
Yeah.
Looking good.
We've all been rejected by a hottie, Jamie.
- Fess up. She blew you out. - That's not the point, Kev.
The only answer to a broken heart is to boff it out your system.
You and I are just very different creatures, Kev.
See you later.
(eery music)
(music swells)
(Phone tune)
(roar and screams)
(wolf howling)
(eery music)
I got it. Look.
I got it going up the path here. Look.
Let me just rewind it there. There it is. Look, there.
Oh, that's me. Oh, poo. How did that happen?
Must have had it round the... Well, doesn't matter.
I saw it, though, with my own eyes. A lycanthrope.
Shouldn't you be indoors, where it's safe? Assuming you haven't...
If I were you, I'd do everything in my power to change that condition.
Before tomorrow night.
It's you she wants. She'll be back on your scent before you know it.
It's all very well you going on about it. It's not that...
I despair of you younger generation. In my days, we were like jack rabbits.
I remember one particular night... my first hat trick.
I was a virile lad then. I had balls the size of watermelons.
Thanks for that beautiful mental image.
Ah... it's eaten.
God rest her soul.
- You may still have time. - For what?
To get laid, you doughnut.
You've got 24 hours to dip your pickle. Now go!
It's Jamie. About the shower. Would you like me to check the nozzle?
(panting and squeaking bed)
Oh, oh, ah, ah, oh!
(pop music)
? primal urges
? animal urges
? those killer urges
Hey, babe.
How are you doing? I was wondering if you fancied a cocktail.
A 'cock'-tail?
A slow, comfortable screw perhaps?
? but you've got me wrong I've got my primal urges
Did you know there's 256 bones in the body?
How would you like another one?
Alright, gorgeous?
Hi, I was wondering if I could buy you a drink.
I'll have a vodka and tonic. Thanks.
This may seem forward, but I think you're the most beautiful girl in here.
That's such a sweet thing to say. Ray.
This boy says I'm the most beautiful woman in here.
(club music)
Show me your lettuce, then. The money, dipshit.
- Got a room? - No, how much would a room be?
- Right, that's everything, is it? - Oh, you want everything?
- Wait here. - Where are you going?
- To take care of the room. - How do I know you're coming back?
(groan)
You don't.
(giggles)
(groan)
Alicia. Great to see you.
- Let's go out together. - I thought you'd gone Jesus.
Just a phase. See, I was wondering.
- Fancy having a little bit of sex with me? - Blimey, you're a bit forward.
- A bit late. I'm engaged. This is Danny. - It's Derek.
It's over. You're too clingy.
Get 'm off then.
- Not bad. - Thanks.
You like that, don't you?
How about...
What happened here?
(barking) Osborne.
What are you doing here?
He belongs to the copper my dad works with.
Oh, shit. Quick. Hide. If my dad finds out, I'm...
- Alicia? Is that you? - Hello.
I was sunbathing and must have fallen asleep.
You'll catch your death. Come on. I'll give you a lift.
Those yours too, are they?
Come on then. Osborne!
Come on. Osborne. (bark)
(rhythmic music)
(howling in the distance)
(getting closer)
(music getting louder)
- Watch it. - Bruno. You scared the life out of me.
- Where have you been? - Amsterdam.
Can't believe you went.
I got tired of everyone going on about me being a virgin.
So I decided to do something about it.
- You should see the red-light district. - Why didn't you text?
- We were worried. - Dropped my phone in a urinal.
And now the numbers stick.
- So, you're naked then. - Yeah.
Yes, I am. Long story.
A bit complicated.
Do you mind if we...
- So you finally broke your duck, then? - You're probably going to laugh.
(great roar and scream)
(Danfing)
(cheerful music)
(same music starts again)
(knocks on door loudly)
- Sid, she's out there. I saw her. - Never think of 'it' as 'her'.
Right. The old Colt.
Silver bullets. One of those into the head.
Has to be the head, mind.
Soon put a stop to her antics. Sorry. Didn't mean to say 'her'.
Although the silent assassination with the silver-top bolt,
can be the better option.
Recap. Colt: check. Crossbow: check. Sandwiches... check.
Could be a long night.
This mean that you've...
(from downstairs) Mr Aarikka? Are you up there?
There's someone to see you.
Siddarth Aarikka, I arrest you on suspicion of the abduction of Gary Jones.
We'd also like to question you on the disappearance of Bruno Wallis.
Jamie, don't forget, there's still that thing you need to take care of.
(rhythmic techno music)
? roll over to the right side, roll over to the left side, roll over to the inside
? but the devil's in the details
(eery music)
(music swells)
(hooting owl)
(music swells)
- Found what you're looking for? - Stay where you are.
You haven't done it before, have you?
Used a gun. The safety's on.
- I know what you're doing here. - You know I'm a hunter.
- What? - A werewolf hunter.
- I thought you were... - A werewolf?
Oh, my God. You fell for me thinking I was a monster.
That really is love.
My whole family are hunters. We log on to a crime database.
We check missing persons against moon phases.
Where we see a pattern, we send an investigator. A hunter.
- You'd better go. - Why?
Full moon. One of my busier evenings.
- Your friend Spike. Virgin, right? - Yeah.
I gotta run.
What exactly are you gonna do?
We have to do anything we can to get people who might be targets, laid.
It's not like you can set Spike up on some super hot date and...
if somebody has become a target, we're required to adjust their standing.
That's not something I've had to do.
But to be honest, I have never met such a useless bunch of young men.
What do you mean?
- Do you want me to spell it out? - Yeah.
I have to deflower a virgin.
I'm saving a life.
That makes you like a... - Don't even go there. It's the job.
- That's why I said we can't be together. - Fine. I get it.
Somebody's very judgemental all of a sudden.
I'm disappointed.
- Try hurt. - I said it couldn't work.
No man can handle my job.
This job means you have sex with Spike tonight?
If I have to.
Hope they pay you well.
(smack)
Spike!
Spike. Bloody bastard.
(scream)
(Owl)
(phone rings)
Alright, toss-pot? Still pining?
- How does full-on penetrative sex sound? - Clinical, to be honest.
You're such a sap, Jamie. I've got three pie babes here that need filling.
With meat. Get my drift?
- (from inside) Or fruit. - When you say 'we'?
- Me and Spike. - Great.
Keep him there. Don't let him leave.
I'd like you to meet a couple of people. This is Hazel. Like the nut.
And this is Donna. Like the kebab.
And this is Britney. Like the ferry.
Which one of you lovely ladies wants to go and say hello to Jamie?
- You're a real life saver. - Kev said you'd want to talk.
- No, not really. - You might take a bit of persuading.
You might be a bit backward in...
? two, three, hey
(rock music)
? I ain't saying what you ought to do
? but you oughta get mad about the man checking on you
? so when you gonna say no, no too busy watching the show
? by the time that you need to run, oh
? oh is when they chip the kids it's all over
? the time is coming around
? oh is when they chip the kids it's all over
? the time is coming around help me now ?
(big roar)
(screaming and roaring)
(screams)
- Come on, Kev. - Wait.
(Danfing)
My God.
Guess this will make me one of those hairy dudes.
Girls like that, though, don't they, some of 'em?
Suppose there's always waxing.
(groan)
Who wants to work in a pie factory anyway?
Probably would have ended up like my dad anyway.
Trying to make a living catching eels.
- Barred from The Huntsman. - Living in a caravan.
- It's a mobile home. - Sorry.
Aaach.
I'm gonna need your help with this one, mate.
As much as the idea of killing holidaymakers appeals, I have morals.
If I want anyone to do it, I want it to be you.
Just to see if you can, you big wusser.
Aaarch, aah.
(sniffing sounds)
You're a virgin.
You lied to me.
- I didn't want to disappoint you. - I don't get it.
What about big titty committee and Juliana Banana?
It's complicated.
Promise me you're gonna get out of this town, alright?
Just leave. Go and have sex with just so many women.
'Cause if you don't, I'm gonna eat you.
There's a phrase I never thought I'd use.
Go on.
I can't.
(roar)
(gunshot)
I'm gonna ask you again. Where did you get the police-issue cuffs from?
I told you before, a gift from the archbishop.
(bump)
(groan)
Don't worry. Spike wasn't home.
What's going on?
It got Kev.
- I had to kill him. - Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- I think I shot it. The creature. - Where?
- In the cricket pavilion. - Is that another euphemism for testicles?
No. It was hit in the shoulder.
That's no good. If you didn't get it in the head, it will be back.
- That's bad, then, is it? - You'll be OK. It's looking for a virgin.
I guess now's as good a time to tell you as any.
I could be the type of person it's looking for.
I actually am, in fact... a virgin.
- What? What is with you guys? - Nothing wrong with being a virgin.
Right. Yeah, it's just unexpected.
OK, then we're gonna have to have sex.
It's just sex, Jamie. There's nothing to be scared of.
I'm not sure I'm in the mood right now. I've just killed my best mate.
It's OK. It's what he would have wanted.
We're gonna have to make this quick. OK?
I don't think that's gonna be a problem.
? before the world you know was like it is
? I held a lover once and I was his
? and we walked along the river in the sun
? but he's a lonely man so this was done
? the only place we had to meet was night
? while the sun he sleeps in shadows we can hide
? on the mountainside we spent our time together
? but it is gone when morning comes ?
Give me a minute. (the sound of a zip)
(slow clapping and choir)
(shotgun and scream)
(grunting)
Keep away from him, you demon.
No, she's cool.
In fact, go away. Everything's fine, Sid.
Buffoons like you give hunters a bad name.
- She's a hunter too. - That's the oldest trick in the book.
- How can you believe him? - How can you believe her?
(police siren)
Oh, crap. I'm on the run.
I do believe her. She's not the beast.
(police on microphone) You've got ten seconds to come out or we're coming in.
Hands on your head.
Turn around.
Interview with the Met. Here we come, thank you very much.
Requesting backup. Three detained. Pine Lodge, Barnham Woods. Over.
You're under arrest.
You do not have to say anything, but...
(all speaking at once)
- Can we all just shut it? - Sorry.
Turn around.
Oh dear.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
I said shut it.
(roar)
(howl)
Get the gun, son!
(sniff, roar)
You don't scare me.
Oh...
(rattle)
(roar)
(screeching)
- Sid, wait there. I'll get help. - No.
No, boy. It's over.
I was wrong about her.
And about lots of things.
I reckon it's time I left this racket.
Listen, boy.
Let me give you a tip.
Something a wise old hunter once told me.
Always...
save elastic bands.
I'm infected.
You have to kill me. Go on.
No.
(music swells)
(great wolf howl)
(grunting and howling)
(soft grunts and whimpers)
And now rise, children.
Swear before Almighty God that you won't relinquish your blessed innocence.
Until locked...
in sacred matrimony.
- You guys ready to order? - Hungry?
- Ravenous. - We'll just have coffee, please.
(distant howling of a wolf)
(FaCy music)
? I'm on my way back home
? but I know that nothing there will be the same again,
? it hasn't been too long
? but I've heard you're always changing like the weather
? don't go changing yourself, you're strange and look like someone else
? you walk and talk much the same I don't want 'owt to do with it
? I thought I knew you well
? but now I see through every nook and cranny in your face
? you want to know me now even though I'm just a distant shadow to you ?